I feel that one of the most important things in a marriage is sabr (patience). A lot of people know this but I think you need it more than you will initially imagine. Sabr with our differences, in personality and maybe even on minor beliefs within Islam. For example, making sajdah (prostration) knees first or hands first, may not seem like a big deal but with a lack of patience, this small issue, which is a matter of learning the compulsory/sunnan/recommended aspects etc of Salah, can escalate into a huge issue without patience.
All of a sudden being married, a lot of people are faced with things they never thought of, oh yeah you never asked your future husband/wife their beliefs on music, and now they are offended as you blast it while dancing around the house, or vice versa… and if you dance crazy maybe it’s better not to dance at all. Anyways, point being all the little stuff can become big in a matter of seconds.
If Alhamdulillah you agree with your husband/wife on everything… you are obviously an alien or very good at lying. Realistically we won’t agree on everything 100% of the time, so it’s how you deal with those issues that will define your marriage.
So let’s say in the event you are an alien, firstly WELCOME to our planet…secondly… MEET THE IN-LAWS!
Yes, the In laws, what dictionaries should honestly define as: hot and cold, scary? possibly, crazy and yes, they may have seemed normal when you married their child, but how much do you want to bet they are dysfunctional and will disagree with everything you think, feel and say all the time?
Maybe they're at lesser extremes, if you pray hard enough...
Yes when you marry, you are marring into a family. Now I won’t hold my husband accountable for his family, they are not his fault, rather I pity the poor guy… just kidding! But really it’s not fair to judge someone based on their family. That doesn’t mean that you being all holy and non judgmental is going to help, because they will disagree with you on that too – this is where the real patience comes in.
You know when your father with the crude humor has you buckled on the floor gasping for air at his humor…? Well, in some cultures it's offensive… Who would have known! And your husband’s mother raises an eyebrow when you leave the house to hang out with the girls: "this is unheard of! What will the people say?!"
Ok these aren’t the perfect examples and an over exaggeration, Alhamdulillah most of my in-laws are good. But also make note I said most and not all. I will not mention the 'non-good' individuals out of fear and the taste that forms at the back of my mouth when I think about it (!)
Anywho! Sabr…your only weapon…because you will need it... Be prepared.
As a simple rule of thumb even if we don’t agree with our in-laws we can’t out and start a yelling debate, this won’t get us far. Remember till death do us part? Kind of. They don’t say that in your nikkah (Muslim marriage) but they sure do in your legal marriage which kind of makes you think…
You have to be around these in-laws for the rest of your life, if you’re lucky enough to have a strong and loving marriage regardless or the crazies or not.
Now I’m not saying every in law is bad or you will have problems with all of them; hopefully you won’t have any problems, but bear in mind a small for someone else, can become big issue for another, because we love our spouse but they love their family also. Taking sides is never easy as a Muslim, you want to do what it right, they want what they believe is their right.
A small issue like when you want your daughter to wear hijab or other decisions you have made as a couple may not fly with your new family, and culturally there may be some differences too. Are you looking ahead into those?
What’s important is for you both to have patience and be united, as a team and stand firm, but respectful of what you believe should never get heated into uncontrollable temperatures.
A good example is the other day when I was cooking with my mother in law.
Me: So the other day me and Zain were in the kitchen cooking and we w-
MIL: By "we" beta I’m assuming we mean you and he was just watching or sitting watching TV...?
Me: No, he’s helps cook, *smile*, really, he really enjoys it. We cook together most days and a few times he’s even ma-
MIL: Kia?! No, no, he should be nowhere near the kitchen that’s your job.
Me: ...What about if I am sick or away and he needs to feed himself?
MIL: Well you plan ahead prepare meals, freeze them, organize them in labelled containers. ...And why would YOU need to be AWAY?
Me: Like Saturday I’m going to spend a few hours with the women from the mosque and if I didn’t teach him even the simple things I’m afraid he would starve! *chuckle*
MIL: So you wouldn’t leave him food!? He will starve!
Me: No, Ammi I mean, *start perspiring* if I hadn’t, or won't able to cook for some reason...
MIL: There’s NO need for you to go out… *shakes head*
After this I kindly and gently with lots of sabr explained that my husband’s ok with me going to the masjid and have friends, and that I wasn’t raised with the misconception that it was a woman’s job to cook and clean; Islamic we are not taught this and we should learn to separate our cultures from what Islam teaches. I explained to her that my husband and I are a team mashaAllah and we enjoy helping one another; it's what makes or bond so strong Alhamdulillah
Now if I had become defensive this very simple conversation would have taken a turn for the worse. Just because we don’t agree doesn’t mean we can yell or be harsh, and if things get heated then have patience, and just walk away. You can't change every person, every dislike and every situation into the 'ideal', you compromise.
What’s worse even though is my husband may agree with me, but by hurting or arguing with his family I could hurt or end up arguing with him – this you need to keep in mind, fighting back is a waste of life unless you're really unjustly oppressed, and surely shaytan enjoys marital rifts.
More issues may come up, me and my husband want to raise our children with an Islam free of confusion. I don’t want my kids to believe in superstition, only in the power of Allah; I don’t want them to be confused between Islam's law and cultural laws, and this is where my biggest test of sabr will come in.
Remember there is no picture perfect marriage, no picture perfect in laws, your finances may go up and down, imaan in either spouse may go up or down, but we have to have sabr. Marriage isn’t always easy, but to the single brothers and sisters, if you marry according to your Islamic values, regardless or in-laws or the rest of the world, it is truly rewarding. We can work though just about any marital related problem, with understanding, love, compassion, compromise but this needs to be connected most importantly with Sabr!
