Now had I known then what I know now I would have gone right back to bed after fajr (morning prayer) in Madinah on day 2. We woke up about 3 hours later for fajr and I was alert and ready. I was downstairs and bright eyed, bushy tailed, ready for the day. Morning prayer in the Prophet’s masjid was just as tranquil as ‘isha, I loved it!

My friends knew that it was a wise idea to go back to bed, I however was still on Arizona time, and was wide-awake. So instead of sleeping like a normal person, I decided to explore the city. Bad idea. I had so much to do that day that by the end I was so in auto-pilot it is not even funny. I walked and talked to the street merchants, went into the local shops and saw all the items they had for sale. It was surreal in some way but freer.

I like to go to stores that are not a corporate owned Walmart, something that is original and real. Honestly, I was amazed that I could buy two thobes and two kufis, as well as two pairs of pants for about $20 U.S. dollars. I looked into all the small shops and restaurants, smelled all the foods and investigated whatever I wanted to, wherever curiosity took me. I felt a comfort that I hadn't felt in a long time, as if no matter where I went no harm would come to me. It was a very homely feeling to have. For those of you who have not yet gone on Umrah or Hajj, plan on spending a few days getting lost and falling in love with Madinah.

I probably walked around, had breakfast, wondered back around the city and what-have-you for a good 5 hours, and the next thing I knew it was 11am. I woke up my comrades and we got ready for our day. We had a busy day ahead of us, and so now I was starting to get tired, how wonderful right?

Our first stop was to have a VIP tour of the Prophet’s Masjid. It was like the night before, but we were taken underneath the Masjid, at an exhibit that I guess is not open to everyone. This was a shame because it was very informative and interesting.


We watched a twenty-minute video about the construction and reconstruction of the Prophet’s Masjid, as well as the various rulers who have influenced its design. This was probably the only time that I have watched a historic video I was genuinely impressed with it. I could understand why the exhibit was not open to everyone; it would be packed all day and night.


Afterwards we met up with an Imam of the masjid, one of many Imams, and I discussed Guantanamo Bay prison with him as well as my reversion to Islam. It was a pleasant talk, my first in the Middle East about GTMO, and he was very aware, smart, and articulate to the matter, which was refreshing. Perhaps he even knew more than most of the Westerners and people in the U.S. do, sadly. We had a language barrier, but my friends were there by my side to take care of the matter, and all came through very well.

Next was the site of the Battle of Uhud. A very chilling feeling came upon me. I could recall feelings in my life of panic, of terror, of loss and that "oh no" moment, and that is all I felt while we were standing there. I walked to the area where the Companions (Sahabah) were buried, and asked Allah that they be granted paradise (soon). I was sad to see that there were people peddling their merchandise right there on the battle site, but I suppose in this world, you aim to survive wherever you are.

It was also a little discerning to me to see all the trash that had just been thrown around in Madinah, as if people had no reverence for the environment or for the significance of the Uhud site and what had taken place here.

I am a very critical and cynical person, this is well known, maybe I need to work on changing that in me insha’Allah. We walked up the mountain of Uhud that the archers were told to have stood on (but didn’t). I tried in my head to envision what had taken place here, and to see the forces as they came into the valley.

The entire valley at Uhud is secured by towering mountains and rocks - rocks that would be hard on the feet of a camel or horse. This was truly a strategic way to go about the historic battle, being that it was not a welcomed battle, and still it occurred. Too bad the Muslims did gain an outright win, although in the long run we did, for Allah is the best of planners!

We then hurried back to the Prophet’s Masjid for dhuhr (midday) prayer, and just as quickly as we hurried there, we hurried off to another location that I did not know was on our travel stops. We visited the Masjid Qublatain, where the qibla direction changed in mid-prayer from Jerusalem to Makkah. This was really an interesting stop, I was just happy to have the opportunity to see something so interesting and historic.

I was wrapped up in the idea of thinking that the Prophet ﷺ and his companions had once been here. And further in my mind I thought of its distance from other locations we had been to already, and having used a car, it must have taken so much longer on horseback. I think this is when I finally started to look around me and begin to feel thankful for all the blessings that I have in my life, and the blessings that I have overlooked. This is probably when it set in, "We will never have it as hard as the sahabah had it". How many times a day we hear this but how many of us understand this, I mean really understand this? It isn't just a matter of being grateful for what we have, but we also have to realize what the earlier and the new Muslims went through, and I have found that Ibn Ishaq's "The Life of Mohammed" is probably one of the best ways to learn about our beloved Prophet ﷺ and his Companions.

I was absorbing all of this as we arrived at the mosques and the site of the Battle of the Trenches. Lucky for me one of my escorts who was a student at Al-Madinah, was also a history buff and gave me a quick refresher on what had occurred here. For those of you who are not aware of the history behind this battle, do not Google it, do not Wikipedia it, go to get a researched book. Get An Islamic history book and read up on the Battles of the Trenches. Please.

I prayed in the Masjid Al-Fath, and again that feeling of having been somewhere that the Prophet ﷺ had been came to me, and it is an amazing feeling to have. I looked over the valley from where we were, and tried to envision it without all the commerce and buildings, just the desert.

And what it must have felt like to be this humble man who was being messaged by Allah Himself, and setting the world aright. What a significant burden to have on one's shoulders, and what a blessed man he, our Prophet, was!

Why did we have Asain food? I didn't eat, I came to Saudi to see giant spiders and ride a Camel and eat lizard and such, not have Chinese food, if I wanted Chinese food I would go to California.

Next on our stop of the-day-that-never-ended, and believe me we are only half way through it as of now, was an Asian restaurant - because everyone knows that you go to Saudi for the Chinese food, not for religious pilgrimage, right…? I have a hard enough time eating once a day usually so I passed on lunch, which freed me up more time to talk with one of our guests. We discussed my book ‘Traitor’ that I have been trying to get published for years, and it seems as if it will never see the light of day, but I continue to have faith.

We spoke of my life and his life, rapped for a while about future ideas and what sounded to be good and bad projects. All in all, I think I made a great friend with this visitor at lunch. I should probably mention at this point, not everyone who was a part of my trip or involved wishes to be mentioned, so I am avoiding using names. This is not to discredit anyone or their efforts, as this whole document stands to be one great big "thank you" note for them all. It is just better to leave with anonymity. Nonetheless, it was a great lunch, and it lead to a friendship that I look forward to continuing for many years to come, insha’Allah. (By the way, the Chinese food did smell and look quite good, I just didn't want to slow myself down since this was only about 2pm in the afternoon and we were still looking to keep going until nearly 11pm that evening, I was really beginning to regret having explored all morning.)


Then it was back to the Prophet's Masjid for ‘asr (afternoon) prayer, and as quickly as we arrived, before I had finished the fourth rakat, boom, we were back in the car and off for another visit. We went to visit a doctor who specialized in the Prophet’s ﷺ life, and had quite an amazing library. We exchanged greetings of pleasantry and got down to actual discussion afterward. Again we spoke quickly of GTMO, and on to various matters; a good conversation. He was a very warm and welcoming man, and shared with me some great du`a (supplications), and facts I had not heard before, so it was nice to have some new knowledge in the ol' grey matter upstairs.

We toured his extensive library, literally an entire floor of an apartment building. I began to drool when I arrived upstairs, and wished I could read and write Arabic so badly, so as to spend months of my life up here with a 6 pack of Coke and these books. All of the wonderful knowledge contained therein that I would not be able to read, any time soon, that is.


I began to think more heavily about how dearly I wanted to go to school here, and how I wanted to live in Madinah for the rest of my life, but I was also beginning to see a repeating pattern occur. In every conversation someone would tell me how important it was that I stay in the states. I do not want to stay in the states, especially with how the U.S. harasses me when I travel, they must not want me there either. They might be willing to come to a plea bargain, where they send me to some other country to live, give me a yearly allowance, and I just never come back. Sounds plausible.

When we got back into the car that day at about 4:30pm, I was too tired to bother talking to my travel companions, so I just stared out the window as we drove around the city and tried to take in all that we visited that day. I am still trying to recall what happened from mental notes during the process. Having been sleep deprived, I will have to expand on these thoughts and the following events a little further.

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3


Images: Holdbrooks ©


More by Brother Mustafa:
'Islam Is A Prison', Discuss
Islam At Guantanamo, Guardian Interview
Terry Holdbrooks: Detained By FBI

After a pretty good opening of my pilgrimage, heartfelt and sincere, I wrote this sitting at Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport waiting to go to Chicago, then on to Jordan, and finally to my destination of Saudi Arabia. I honestly had no idea what to expect or feel. These were heartfelt sentiments that I expressed, these were my thoughts and intentions during Umrah.

I set out with a very unstable foundation in Islam as can happen with some reverts from time to time, no matter who they may be. I have been often reminded of my ‘muslimness’ so that every time I do feel lost, Allah will shake me up and show me He is here. How fortunate am I to have a Creator who cares so much for me, not only to guide me to the path, but also to guide me back to that path. Again and again.

My experience in Madinah, Makkah, Jeddah, and Riyadh was truly something amazing, Masha’Allah (as Allah wishes). I will try, as best as I can to recount for you the entire adventure as it happened, I took some mental notes, in my brief hours of awareness, and alertness, brief because we were so busy that I did not sleep that much.

The night in May that I arrived I was so surprised of how far away that you could see Masjid Nabawi, the Prophet’s ﷺ mosque (Allah’s peace and blessings be upon him). Literally, you could see it from 100 miles away, if not more. It was like looking at the Luxor of Las Vegas, but it wasn't full of sin. In that very moment it finally began to sink in how extraordinary Umrah was going to be.

We arrived at the customs area and the officers were a little confused as to why I had already been stamped for entry yet was just arriving. Not knowing what to do they asked me a few questions in Arabic, and wanting to have a little fun - I responded to them in Spanish. I had decided on the flight over that I was going to speak Spanish to the Arab customs’ officers the whole time, and when they got me a Spanish translator, I would start speaking English, just to shake it up a little. At any rate a supervisor came by, noticed the situation, took note of my name, and said what I can only assume to be "let him in". KSA had already approved me entry, why would customs have any issue with it?

My good friend from Canada was waiting for me just outside the door along with a friend of his who lives in Saudi Arabia, a Swedish Student of Al Madinah. They both greeted me quite nicely. We began our approach to the Prophet’s Masjid and hotel. I was hoping for our hotel to be near the Masjid, or in the heart of Madinah. I did not expect that we would stay at the Dar Al Taqwa Hotel literally one inch from the Masjid. We could walk one step out of our hotel and be on the Masjid, it was that close. How wonderful, subhan’Allah (exalted and glorified is Allah).


After we settled into our rooms, I took a few moments to shower and refresh myself. It became evident to me that everyone had been expecting my arrival had been sleeping all day, whereas I had been up for nearly a whole day at this point.


Drifting back to my experience, the first thing I thought when I saw the Prophet’s Masjid was, "Wow, this is so big". I mean, you cannot really understand how large the place is unless you have been there. Take any shopping mall you have been to in America - it is bigger. Any concert hall or sports stadium you have been to - it is bigger. This is the largest masjid I think I have ever been to, and it left me in sheer awe. I did not know what to do with myself at first, aside from take photos and just look around in wonder and amazement. I was so speechless, and that rarely happens. Do you understand what it is like to be in a place that can accommodate one million Muslims in prayer? It is huge! I was taken by how marvellous the art was, the architecture, the marble and designs, the beauty, everything. I was simply in love.

There is a peace that can be felt in Madinah that is unlike any peace felt anywhere else in the world. It was so relaxed and mellow. Calm. Everything was going to be O.K. I knew that this was where I wanted to be.

We walked around and I was given an explanation of everything that I saw for about the first hour and a half of the evening. We saw Prophet Muhammad’s ﷺ old home, and the original masjid within the current masjid. We saw where the Prophet ﷺ is resting, along with the departed Abu Bakr (ra) and `Umar (ra) on the side.


I remember the first prayer I tried to give while we were inside the masjid. My friend asked me if I wanted to give the Iqamah (second call to prayer), but I could not remember the words, at all. How many times had I uttered it in my life? I was so wrapped up and taken in with what I was surrounded by, that I could not clearly remember the call to prayer. WOW! It’s like seeing your wife or meeting her family the first time. We managed to pray ‘Isha though, and then we roamed around for a while. A representative of the Prophet’s Masjid gave us close access to the Rawda (the Prophet’s ﷺ tomb), which I had no knowledge of, and wish I had before witnessing it firsthand.

After some negotiation by officials and some waiting, we were kindly escorted ahead of many people who had been waiting, to the best place to pray of the Rawda, or any masjid for that matter. I didn't understand the significance of this event until post facto, and when that came, it sunk in that this was something very special, very rare and I was privileged.

I was content to simply have visited the Masjid, let alone see where the Prophet ﷺ is buried, as well as Abu Bakr (ra) and `Umar (ra), and where Prophet ‘Isa (Jesus) `alayhisalam will be buried when he returns. It was truly so inspiring and refreshing.

Madinah is a piece of something I cannot put to words on earth. It is probably the most tranquil place I have ever been in my life, and I hope to return there again one day, insha’Allah.

We said goodnight to the Prophet’s Masjid, and to the Prophet ﷺ. On our return to the hotel we stopped for a taste of wonderful Arabic coffee with the representative.

I journeyed upstairs step by step, and fell soundly to sleep, concluding a small part of a very long adventure for me.

Images: flickr©

Part 1 | Part 2

In May 2011, MUSLIMNESS writer Terry Holdbrooks, also known as Brother Mustafa embarked on a life altering spiritual experience - the Muslim pilgrimage called Umrah. Having VIP access to exhibits and hands-on conversations with iconic imams, Mustafa shares his unique Umrah perspective in part 1 of this exclusive series. Read on.


Wow. How lucky are you, I ask myself, nay, how blessed are you? Allah has provided for you the means to make Umrah, to see Makkah, to apply at Al-Madinah the city in person. So many Muslims all around the world may never get the opportunity in their life to do what you are about to do, let alone, do it for free. Not that money here is really the big issue, no, it’s a question of deen (lifestyle), of faith.

I was sitting there wishing for a normal life. I was wishing for a job and to blend in with society, leave Guantanamo Bay prison in the past and move on and forward. Most importantly, I was having doubts in myself, and in Islam. I had no doubts that Islam was right for me, but I did in how strongly I lived Islam. Am I “Islamic”? Can my belief stay strong? Then, in all of His wonder, Allah shakes you up in the head and He says "I am always here".

Everytime I feel that rope slipping, and everytime I feel the grip beginning to loosen, He tightens it and gives so much rope you could hang yourself. I have survived near death experiences several times now. I have lived through more than some ever will, and yet I still have the tenacity to question Islam and how strongly I feel? Allah has a purpose for everyone, He has a plan for me. But how many more proofs and signs do I need to stay “Muslim”?

And so, I was invited to Makkah.

Maybe this is something you can relate to, and maybe it isn’t. I feel, perhaps due to my lack of Ummah (Muslim community), that my deen is low, and so my faith drops. It feels as if I am putting Islam on the side, and replacing it with other matters. I spend more time in schoolwork and reading books and watching movies, instead of learning more about my faith and helping my people. My grip on the rope of faith loosens from time to time, and it takes an active believer to hold on strong.

It also takes the support of a family and an Ummah to help that believer hold on stronger. And it takes clarity of the mind and the eyes. Recently, my mind has been foggy and my grip has been slipping. Allah is truly great in His works, and guides whom He pleases. As a Muslim I believe He has a purpose for all of us, this is inarguable. Some people of this world never find Islam. Some do and give up on Islam. I have nearly lost Islam before, a few times, and Allah has brought me back, each time stronger than before.

Today I am embarking on my Umrah, the lesser of two pilgrimages but a major step for me. I am excited to see what I will be as a finished product upon my return to the United States. There are many people I will be making du`a (supplication) for, but I also intend to make du`a for all my brothers and sisters in Islam. Although I still have not really accepted that this is about to happen, but it seems that it is, I am so incredibly excited.

I hear this question raised a lot from people who see me and other Muslims practicing Islam.

They see these groups of people who identify themselves as 'Muslims'. These people follow a structure, a routine, in the same if not similar clothing, speaking, acting and living their lives almost like they were commanded to without thinking. Of course that's not how it is, but that's how it seems from the outside.

And old army buddy of mine tracked me down and asked me if I thought Islam was a prison. I gave the quick generic response 'no'. As I've worked in Guantánamo Bay prison as a guard I've lived a life without Islam and with it, so I know from first hand experiences the stark differences between a prison: where someone is taken without choice as a consequence of supposed bad actions, and Islam: a faithful productive lifestyle that is chosen with a belief in one God.

But is Islam like a prison in some ways? This video is my reaction to that question.


Watch the video on my YouTube channel {TheBrotherMustafa}

In the name of God, compassionate & merciful بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ | Peace be with you السلام عليكم

In the name of God, compassionate & merciful بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ | Peace be with you السلام عليكم

"Yes I was detained again, on arrival in the country, and interrogated by the FBI. Most of my items were seized for investigation and will be given back to me when it is deemed they are of no threat. They confirmed that they are monitoring me, my calls, emails, activity, and that I am now a suspect of national security. Its amazing to me to think that a 26 year old Muslim in America can be such a threat!

---

In the name of God, compassionate & merciful بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ | Peace be with you السلام عليكم

In the name of God, compassionate & merciful بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ | Peace be with you السلام عليكم