My Last Post: Confessions & Goodbye
Friday, January 22, 2010 Read more → allah's tests, Health, teenager, the diva, women in islam In the name of God, entirely Compassionate, especially Merciful | Peace be with you
In the name of God, compassionate & merciful بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ Peace be with you السلام عليكم
I'm living proof of what it's like to be a quitter. To let my emotions get in the way, and lose things that were important to me.
I left many things that I desired and once had a passion for, or an obligation. Studying, exams, friends and even music.
For the first time in my life, I was seriously working and doing my best at what I needed to do, four months ago. I was working on what I had a passion for, Hijab Styling on Youtube, a few months before that as well.
But I awoke from those dreams too soon.
I think Chief Editor of Muslimness, viewers/readers and friends deserve an explanation for my inability to commit.
I Suffer From Chronic Depression
There. I said it.
Of course, if you read my personal blog (or watched OMGhijabis), you'd already know that. You'd also already know that I've been suffering from very troublesome anxiety and panic attacks for the past year, and went to therapy in September of 2009. But you probably didn't know that I've suffered from depression since I was 12, at least.
Of course, if you read my personal blog (or watched OMGhijabis), you'd already know that. You'd also already know that I've been suffering from very troublesome anxiety and panic attacks for the past year, and went to therapy in September of 2009. But you probably didn't know that I've suffered from depression since I was 12, at least.
I was diagnosed with Dysthymic Disorder. It's basically a mild form of Chronic Depression, which can mimic an anxiety disorder (of course, accompanying depression). Although it's labeled as "mild", depressive episodes can be very, very draining and - well, basically you just want to sleep 20 hours a day.
I've been on medication for the past 4 months now. Prozac, Stablon, Buspar and Inderal. All of them just simply make me unable to cry to sleep, or have those nasty anxiety symptoms and attacks (racing heartbeat, shortness of breath, outburst of uncontrollable crying and screaming, shaking). But I can still feel...and when I do; it's all bottled up inside and I can't let it out. That's exactly how it feels.
So I sleep....and I sleep. And I push things aside, and try to worry about them another day. Just so I don't have to feel so torn up inside, all the while it gets worse and worse.
I've lost care and interest. Simply, in most things I used to love. On top of that, I hate myself for it. Which doesn't make things any better.
If someone out there reading this, suffers from chronic depression, or anxiety, know that I am 100% with you. I know how it feels.
I know what it's like to sleep with a headache and stuffy nose. I know what it's like to scream/cry my head off in pillows so no one hears. I know what it's like to feel something terribly wrong, but not have the faintest clue as to what.
I know what it's like to have the URGE to just slice my veins open, in hopes that I could drain all this negativity that just hangs on my heart and won't let go.
I know what it's like to feel so numb, so disconnected, so careless, so.... inhuman. Especially on medication. I know what it's like to screw up almost every opportunity I had for success. I also know what it's like to grow up in a family that got me used to that idea.
I know what it's like to feel alone, no matter how many people are around you, or how many loved ones support you. I know what it's like to be beyond reasoning and logic, and drown in my own sobbing mess.
I know what its like to be able to enjoy life and laugh for a few days (or weeks), then lay in bed and stuff my face with food and distractions for the rest of the week(s). It's almost as if I'm bipolar, but so far that's not what my therapist thinks.
Will I finally get rid of all this? Will I get through all of it? Will I finally be cured? Will I finally get up and do what I need to do? Will I ever stop beating myself up and move on? Will I ever stop thinking about bashing my head into the wall and cutting myself?
I don't know. That's up to Allah. And that's also up to my therapist... whom so far hasn't been doing a good job. Hopefully I can go back to new therapist next week. Someone who'd actually have more than 5 minutes for a session.
Will I ever making hijab tutorial videos or blog posts?
I honestly don't know. I hope so, but you have to understand the weight I get on my shoulders... It's not easy. Not like you think. Especially when you're trying to do it to hopefully make money and get your family out of a tough financial downtime.
This smokey clouded burden seems light, but weighs a ton. My fiance sure does help with the weight, but it's like there's this demon inside of me that keeps pulling me under every once in a while.
I wish you all happy moments and love in your lives. I want to say thank you to everyone who has put up with me through my personal BS. It means a lot. And I certainly owe a lot to a lot of people.
I know what it's like to feel alone, no matter how many people are around you, or how many loved ones support you. I know what it's like to be beyond reasoning and logic, and drown in my own sobbing mess.
I know what its like to be able to enjoy life and laugh for a few days (or weeks), then lay in bed and stuff my face with food and distractions for the rest of the week(s). It's almost as if I'm bipolar, but so far that's not what my therapist thinks.
Will I finally get rid of all this? Will I get through all of it? Will I finally be cured? Will I finally get up and do what I need to do? Will I ever stop beating myself up and move on? Will I ever stop thinking about bashing my head into the wall and cutting myself?
I don't know. That's up to Allah. And that's also up to my therapist... whom so far hasn't been doing a good job. Hopefully I can go back to new therapist next week. Someone who'd actually have more than 5 minutes for a session.
Will I ever making hijab tutorial videos or blog posts?
I honestly don't know. I hope so, but you have to understand the weight I get on my shoulders... It's not easy. Not like you think. Especially when you're trying to do it to hopefully make money and get your family out of a tough financial downtime.
This smokey clouded burden seems light, but weighs a ton. My fiance sure does help with the weight, but it's like there's this demon inside of me that keeps pulling me under every once in a while.
I wish you all happy moments and love in your lives. I want to say thank you to everyone who has put up with me through my personal BS. It means a lot. And I certainly owe a lot to a lot of people.
To those who suffer like me: GET HELP.
Don't wait years like I have, and still am. I don't care how old you are. If you're 12 and don't want to tell your parents you want therapy, get an aunt or uncle to help you. Anything!And I wouldn't rely on medication if I were you. I can't wait to resort to a more natural lifestyle to get rid of it, instead of using meds that have even hundreds of side effects (true, Prozac has that many).
(Sorry if this sounded melodramatic, but I thought it was time to let it out in the open, and hopefully, let go sometime soon.)
I guess this is goodbye.
Salam Aleykom :). I pray you have all the love in the world and peace :).
By Madiha M.K
The Diva Peace & respect ★ www.Muslimness.com
The Diva Peace & respect ★ www.Muslimness.com
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