Getting over Sentiments

I find myself attached to simple things and often times things that are meaningless to others. For me it's books. My books: they are like my babies and yet one by one I have to give them away. When I do I miss them, they are the only worldly objects that I truly crave for and one of my only sources of education.

What’s really important is my family, my husband he is all I need in this world. As long as I have Allah swt and my husband I will be fine, but I do feel sad every time I lose another book, and now at this moment I’m "bookless". I look at my books in other peoples book cases; they are no longer my books, but it’s ok because it will drive me forward, push me to achieve something and once again fill my book case.

My husband has this also rather strange obsession with what may seem meaningless objects, and he is also forced to leave them behind or give them away. We are happy with whatever we have, but whether it’s a hat I bought him on my way from Canada to New Zealand that reads “California” on it, an old worn car with no locks, or my books, we crave for simple things to call our own.

I think it’s the fact that now we are moving again, from one siblings' home to another, yet again forced to learn new ways of talking, acting, eating, learning where they put things how they like things and exactly how much work we have to do to keep them slightly satisfied for a short amount of time.

I don’t regret it for a minute, coming to New Zealand I mean, sometimes I miss home, but so does my husband. Sometimes he will be talking and it will remind him of something back in Fiji and he will smile and will almost seem far away for a moment and I know he’s missing home, what’s even more sad is that neither of the places we called home exist anymore, living in a house but yet homeless in a sense – Key chains without keys very literally.

Insha'Allah soon we will be on our feet, we are the happiest people out of everyone we know, even without our little sentiments, we pray and thank Allah swt for all we have, the food in our stomach the roof over our head and no matter how good or how bad people treat us we smile, or at least try to. Yet we find it that even at times the people who could make us feel the lowest are the ones we will miss as we once again pack our bags with the uncertainty of what the next sibling’s home holds.

In a few hours time we will get on a plane and fly to the south island, it may not seem that far in retrospect to how far we have already come, but it will be far away from masala, Hindi movies, masjids around the corner and maybe even the halal – but we can cope, we can eat bland veggies - and still be happy. Praying together at home is also fine, but it's hard to cope with leaving your family, the people you get attached to, fight with but then when it’s time to leave, cry with. I don’t know how I will face Didi, I know tears will be shed, some already have been.

I cryed watching Zeeshan wave good-bye to me. He understands good-bye but what I don’t know is if he understands for how long; it broke my heart to watch Zak hold in tears and scrunch up his face when we told him we were going to Dunedin, he tryed to force a smile when asking if i could be home by Wednesday or Thursday, I held back tears when saying “I think it will be a little longer baba”.

I’ll miss their little smiling faces and be attacked at the door for hugs and kisses, I will pray every day for their happiness and health Insha'Allah.

Now I know how Ammi feels constantly traveling from house to house of her 7 children, living out of a bag, constantly forced to leave things behind and move to the next house, regardless of whom it's hard to say good-bye to, even if good things may possibly be waiting for you behind your next “hello”.

Insha'Allah we renew our visa’s, get jobs and make a home, no matter how small or simple so we can start a family of our own and now have to worry about saying good-bye anymore. We will make it, I’m sure of it. We got this far with the guidance and blessings of Allah swt and InshaAllah soon we will be blessed with stability. Insha'Allah we can do the best to keep happy, healthy and strong until that day, keep fighting to survive, for our deen and iman and one day soon reap the rewards of our good deeds in this world and more importantly the here-after...

InshaAllah-ta-Allah.