Muslim Marriage: Husbands, Know Your Rights (i)

In the name of God, compassionate & merciful بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ Peace be with you السلام عليكم

Too many times a man and woman enter into marriage without knowing their responsibilities towards each other, and their individual rights. We must mention again that marriage is a contractual agreement therefore the general rule is that if problems occur down the line into the marriage it is usually because the marriage broke down at this contractual level.

Qawwam is on men, the right of maintenance. This mostly relates to children as each child needs approximately 12 years before it’s ‘on its own’. A child does not move into independence immediately so for the first few years it's almost completely at the mercy of its parents. Men, in Islam have to afford women the ability to maintain children; this is rooted in the tradition of ‘what is best’ from Allah. So even before people argue ‘well I don’t believe that Muslims must be committed to these roles that are defined by Allah.

There are two qualities of Islam that distinguish it from others = Hayaa, which is modesty, and Rahma - Mercy. A beautiful teaching is that you will get RAHMA if you have HAYAA. As humans even if you do wrong, you do them in secret right? You have hayaa by nature. And you know inshaAllah He will forgive you if you say ‘astaghfirullah’. These qualities are natural to women, but they’re acquired in men. Ironically in contemporary culture it’s seen as a disease if you’re modest or shy. See, what Islam does is flip that to the correct ethos; the beauty of the house is where this hayaa is meant to be nurtured in children. Mothers teach them to be merciful towards other children, towards animals, to have respect for property and toward others. We all need to learn how to teach compassion in our children and by Allah's design, women are more inclined to show compassion towards children.

Right, first we'll list and explain the rights of the husband in the Shariah - Islamic law, inshaAllah, since, let's face it, he doesn't have many in comparison to his wife. But they are still of high importance and need to be understood for a successful marriage.

[1] The 1st right a man has is the right to sexual pleasure. If a woman is not menstruating she should not refuse her husband’s call to intimacy. Abu Hurayrah (ra) said: The Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said: “If a man calls his wife to his bed and she refuses, and he spends the night angry with her, the angels curse her until morning.” Al-Bukhaari and Muslim. Sheykh Hamza Yusuf says in the original Rights and Responsibilities CD collection: “While a woman should provide herself sexually, the husband should take into consideration her state; women are willing to give up their right, so a man should have that largess that sometimes it’s inappropriate”.

Men are more visually stimulated than women. In accordance with the hadith, if a man sees a woman when he’s out and feels a desire let him go to his wife, because the 'outsider' is not halal, the 'ghar wali' is halal! Please note this is a shared right, both husband and wife must treat each other well, with good words, love, this is more conducive to intimacy. Intimacy is not just a perfunctory act, there is much more to than just fulfilling desire, not recognising this is uber bad and reduces the act to basic instinct.

[2] Husband's 2nd Right = to discipline children. Women tend to be more compassionate towards children's upbringing and learning which is where men can lay down firmer rules. You still have to be really careful when disciplining anyone; remember the hadith that you are a shepherd – a shepherd is compassionate and merciful towards his flock. He does not beat the animals, he knows he can easily get his flock to follow his direction with the correct approach, care and firmness. Children don’t have any ‘taqli’, understanding, so especially before the age of 7 there should never be any physical warning. You can pinch an older child to get their attention, you shock them by raising your voice. Beating is flat out haram too. Nobody should be hit; discipline is not violence.

[3] Husband's 3rd Right = to house his wife in his house. As a husband you need to say you're living in a small house or mansion; nobody wants to get married to a man who lies. And as a potential wife you should know whatcha getting into; it'll be an awful shame if you marry a man who tells you he owns his own housing estate and then find he takes you to a one bedroomed flat with ‘welcome home!’

In Muslim marriage the woman is obliged to relocate with her husband by the contract. Some conditions apply:

[4] Husband's 4th Right = to have his house maintained. This is a rewarding “domestic service”. In the Maliki madhab a wife should not refuse daily domestic chores, while in the Hanafi madhab there is more emphasis on the 'religious' reward of housework. This is on the grounds that women are not working outside of the home. Their maintenance covers – bread-making, sweeping, bed making, bringing water back if needed (note - this still applies to large part of world). Back to the Maliki madhab; if a woman has one of the 4 qualities, her status is elevated and she should be given domestic help. Most wonderful in Muslim history is the beautiful model we have in Fatima (ra) the daughter of Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ), who asked for help for her home, and he (ﷺ) replied ‘make dhikr’.

The wife is not responsible for anything involving a craft or work that is normally done for a wage. So no sewing, no fixing electrical wiring, no painting walls or retiling the roof. If she wants to do these things – hurray! Also the husband has no right to force his wife to work outside of home or do work associated with craft work – wage work. Of course a husband should help with his wife’s work. This is seriously underestimated in Muslim culture. Our greatest role model Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ) kneaded bread, he sewed his own clothes, washed dishes and carried out many other chores. Don’t consider a household chore a waste of time, it's not degrading, it's not pointless. ‘Aisha (ra) said that the Prophet (ﷺ) did “mehna” for his family – ‘mehna’ coming from ‘degrading’, BUT the Prophet (ﷺ) never did anything degrading. These are chores that people thought as degrading, what 'Aisha (ra) is saying here that he (ﷺ) did them for his family. These menial tasks that we see as insignificant - even the Prophet (ﷺ) did that. If you make the intention for Allah, you complete a Sunnah! It’s a noble act to maintain your own home with sincere intentions.